2005. English
2005-02-28
So long and so little time. Gosh so many things had happenned and so few at the same time. I would like to say that my vacations were like a road trip movie but...no, they weren't though i made some friends and visited more than a city...Time is tiicking out, as always when i finally decide to write....someone behind me is pushing me to get out od the computer (bloody brothers you know...so annoying sometimes)
So basically THIS SUMMER WAS AWESOME, no matter what you do if you stay in home or travel around the world (still prefering option 2) is the attitude and a little divine help (ypou can call it "luck") that makes a good summer.
See ya!
No stress (please!!)
2005-04-13
Thank God this thing works at last!!!!
Well....Since i'm not the best english writer, and also i have tons and tons of grammar mistakes in this entries, i think i'm not that bad. I thought -until today- that i had the ability to put words together in order to sound more polite or artistic or something less ordinary.
But...nothing is like we imagine. I received my composition task and it was....crap. Well it didn't stink so bad, i got 5- (the top is 7) but still. There were a few things that pissed me off badly. Anyway, this leads to the main problem: i don't wanna fail. In anything. I'm in a lot of activities and stuff and i know that with "that heavenly grace" and help of my lord i can handle them. I'm not sure if the rest of the people i know believe that too.
Every little mistake it's like a delay in this big race...i know i'm lazy, i know i need a break but i don't need any delays . I just need......Faith, in me and in God, i also need discipline...
But failure makes everything torn.
Gosh.....
=P
A thousand stupid things
2005-05-01
Gosh. So many things happen in so little time. I wish i could realise how life goes by and how i walk through it. But, once again, i'm in the middle of a forest and my vision is perturbed by the foam. In the middle, next to me, watching me and taking care of me is my beloved Jesus, my God, my Savior.. I never understood how gorgeous is Him until i experienced His grace and Mercy.
Each time when i lay down in a green field, and i'm able to see the trees moving gracefully, dancing according to the soft breeze, i'm being able to see God. And i feel how God talks to me through it.
Maybe that's not silly, nor stupid. But the insane things i thought every morning, every evening, that sort of things which impides me to be focused in THE REAL OBJECTIVE of my life, are really stupid. But i don't care, i'm human, way far from being perfect and i fight against it. My faith is not strong enough. I need You (God) to increase it. Wow! i didn't count with these non - intentioned deep "reflections" (i don't know if that's the right word).
On the other hand, i'm starting to think in someone in a way i strongly believed i wasn't able to. Why now, just in the moment when my life is going sooo well - arranged and sooo busy??? when i don't need that kind of stupid distractions???? But when i see his eyes, i can't help myself trying to talk to him, knowing about him. It seems we have certain don't know how to explain....way to see life?? sensibility??? connection????. I'm happy if we get to be friends, but if it's something more, better !!. Anyway i'm relaxed, in peace.
Isn't that great???
=P
Semantics (words about confusion)
2005-06-07
Some people call these entries their "blog". Others their "journal" or maybe their "diaries". Anyway it's all about semantics. But i think this minimal differences are the big differences, Dont you think?
Let me explain: Sometimes a word reflects the way you think, your point of view, the paradigms you're insert to and your brain design; maybe it's silly analyze the little differences between a word and the next one, but i believe it's patrt of the charm. The charm of langage.
Why i'm talking about this? Because my life has been and will be surrounded by words. I should live at dictionopolis, trying to find more ways to communicate to each other. Now i'm not sure abut the words i have to choose to talk and to write, and that -according to my theory- means i on't know how to take the decisions i have to make.
I just get bored of ilusions but i'm idealist after all. What can i do? Shll i write another entry in my blog-journal diary? I know this is confusing, but i hope you could understand me. After all, it's all about semantics.
One - the loneliest number
2005-06-17
It took me around 20 minutes to actually find the name of this song and the version i wanted, which was "one" from aimee mann in the magnolia soundtrack.
It's amazing how music affects us.
One is the loneliest number. and i'm blue. and mad.
After a horrible discussion with my brother and my dad, we went for a couple of pizzas that my mom requested by phone. We needed some cash because they didnt accept credit cards, adn after get some we were there again. I decided stay inside the car. My dad let me with the music on, that means the car keys put in the arrange slot.
As a backtone was "one is the loneliest number". If i only had a license...
I imagined myself running away a while singing and feeling like the loneliest number in the world. It would have been so easy: just drive, the keys were there, nobody was looking. I so wanted drive far very far: make a rebel act, being unconscious and irresponsible, selfish.
As they think i am.
The wind blowing on my face, te lights of this trobled city caring of my nightmares. I was about to explode when the song turn to bob marley. Bob marley!!! That just means junk and peace. It was peacefier...and i resisted. Anyway i don't know how to drive.
Now back in home, i've been too pride for the circuumstances, and i now i'm wrong acting this way. I need to grow up a little yet, but i'm sick of being the one that got to give. Everyone is waiting for me to do so, in any occassion, because i'm a daddy's girl and if i want to look mature i can't make any scene and can't have complaints. Rubbish.
It's devastating, and i feel like one, the lonliest number, because it's not better than two...it is the saddest one.... did you know???
My anger is forgotten. But i'm so sad, so sad.
Surreal
2005-08-14
The world keeps moving, i've not vanished yet, i'm still right here, just like two years ago, when i was in a similar situation....Gosh it's so weird!!
Yesterday was one of that days that you have once every five years or something. That sort of days when everything was making sense, and suddenly everything's upside down. And you don't understand what has happened.
Two years ago, i was extremely nervous about an examination i took for a scholarship of Japan's embassy. Well, i didnt get ti, and last year (i'm still wondering if it was because i'm a chicken or i'm too stupid because i forgot the application or it was just the wrong time) i didn't apply. Anyway im' knida obsessed with the idea of going to Japan and study there, and i'm thinking about missions there ii don't know i have a lot dreams about it....so i did the bloody test again. It was awful AGAIN. I felt like crap because i felt like i didnt learn anything this time...i must say that i was not THAT prepared and i haven't done any mathematics exercises since i graduate from high school. It is understandable.
The worst was that i behaved as a little girl in front of my parents before the test [I usually get very annoying, complaying, and childish beforte a big exam, especially if its early in the morning]. My parents didnt deserve tha yelling and stuff. I felt double wrong post-examination.
I hanged around with two guys who were doing the test when my mom called me to ask me how it was, and i said it was terrible. She said she sorry because she would liked to waited for me aoutside the embnassy and then go for a coffee or something. I was just about to say it doesn't mind, i was ok, i got over it (plus, i have all the questions because i copied them during the test)ehen i got atonished. For a moment i wanted to cry but i disimulated everything's fine in front of my new "friends". My grandpa DIED and i was like what??? i don't buy what you're sayin'....i just didn't believed it was true. I scheduled my day for me....you know: my test, my visit to a friend, my yada yada yada.....
I forgot about me and i understand that my day is not mine. I just don't belongs to me and it's wrong too think that way. It was so wird because i can't analuse well what this death means in my "universe" life, i i like to take my time to think about a good reflection on death. I remember the summer of 2002 when my mom's grandmother died. It was a weird feeling too, but it was attractive. Now it's a little painful, it's a little nothing, it's a little....i don' know. That time everything's was surreal just like this time but for different reasons. I as discovering about death cultuure; cemeteries, funerals, dead people. I always thought that a funeral and death it's a exquisite beggining for a novel, a long story. It's a place when you can start something new, and save details from the past just for the climax. There i decided to start a journal, adn a year and i have later i did online.
That's why now i in the middle of a painting and i'm waiting for the ppainter to finish and start a new story again. My ilussions are alive, my extended family is broken but it exist...and i have enough time to try it again once more.
My grandpa was suffering a lot so i dedicate the following words to him:
"You're starman looking with that big eyes that my mom also have, waiting for us, understanding that i didnt say goodbye and i diodnt say i love you. Because i really loved you and it hurted me when you stopped brething, when you escaped from reality months ago, when you discovered God beyond stars and left your body behind. I guess it was because you forgot things, just like me. Finally, yesterday you remembered to pick up your body. Today we will remember your sad look and your big big childish eyes....see you in heaven".
All the things I'm Gonna miss
2005-11-10
Perhaps was one of the most difficult decisions to accept. I'm not sure yet but I started this adventure; i'm changing my major and my university.
I have already talked with the professor in chargeof my major, who by the way it isn't my best friend exactly. He congratulted me for pursuing something that would really meake me happy, thoufh "PUC" doesn't have such a good program. I briefly explained my dreams and goals, and he looked at me like he was looking a 5-year old; "oh dear, that's so difficult, to have a diplomatioc career or something like that you must have influences or be incredibly smart" mmm... good point. Anyway I'm done. I have to apply and I have to get accepted, otherwise, my life wll turn in a nightmare.
Even ll my friends and family say that this is the best and that PUC University is awwesome and cool and yada yada, I'm gonna miss Usach. I fonna miss all the things i disguised when i came there. The demonstrations, the area, the noise, the lack of funds, the burocracy... so many defects heheh but unique personality.
At Usach university life really exists if you look twice, there the people is corageous, there are some guys doing the best for there is their only possibility and opportunity they have. A lot of students are from small cities, so you can know so many local realities.
The area is incredible i never realised of the real folklore till i walked around that streets. The real Santiago, is in Estacion Central.
I'll miss my friends, my enemies, my life and the cute guys that i looked and i never talked. I'll miss the laughs, the jokes, the hours talking loud at the library, the japanese books, the magazines and eveerything which could remain me these two years.
It's so impressive...I learned so much here, I know I'm a diferent person. I started to think and to realise so many things and the processes that started here will affect the rest of my life. I only can thank God for this, because it was a bless, disguised as a challenge.
Now, everything is uncertain; I put the cards upon the table and I have to make my last move, and pray for a good result. Because this is one of that "last opportunities". I ued to have confidence in this kind of things, because i don't get worried with fail. But i don't have that cute little failing option, because i spread the bean, i talked too much, but I HAD to.
These are the hard times, because this in my personal status, but gosh, the rest of the world is soo wrong!!!!!
I'm going to miss have the control of everything (or at least believing that). I understood that my life is not my life anymore and I don't want another way.
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