2004. English

Waiting
2004-01-03

I have to right quick. I'm just waiting, in two minutes i finally know what will be happen to my life this year. And i will turn 18. I'm afraid i'm anxious i'm waiting on God.

I have the right to be mad, right??

Time goes by.....(too slow for me)
2004-01-11

Oh my Gosh...it's been a whole week since i finally knew.I wanted to write earlier but -as always- i finally didn't. It's so true....recently i read in a magazine (editor's note) about time, he (editor) say that in your childhood time is too long, weeks seems like ages!! and that's because you live intensely that stage....well, he's totally right. I live so intensely past sunday, and this week.....every minute that day it was like a day!!!. The results of the PSU were ecactly at 12:00 am of January 4th, also, my birthday.

It was good, my results aren't bad, but aren't excelent. But it was i ask to God. Just the necesarry to enter the college and career that i want.

But THAT i won't know till the next sunday!!! i'm so freaking nervous!! i just can't wait, or think in something else, it's what i want since 3 years from now. Every day till January 18th it's like a year, like a century, because the waiting is so intense. I just want to relax but i can't. I'm monothemathic. Time goes too slow for me. Too slow.

Stupid results
2004-01-17

I feel disappointed. Really disappointed. With myself. I know that i should not be thinking this, or feeling this but i'm feeling stupid, dumb, not intelligent enough. But though that everyone could tell me that it is a lie, i can't stop feeling this. Because i knew it. I saw in a site the results of my application to university (oficially they will be able on sunday)and they're aren't what i wanted. I'm in the university i want, but not in the career that i love. I'm on English Pedagogy. That's my second choice, and i should be glad, but i can't stop feeling stupid. I couldn't. I couldn't get my dream. Now, everynight i will think that i could do it better if i would be in translation. That maybe i will be the 1st of my class there.

Frustated. I also feel frustrated. But i don't know why....i don't want to be a teacher, i mean i like that career too, but my dreams aren't in a classroom, are in an embassy. Oh my God, please guide me.....don't let me be like i am, because i'm too ambicious....at least i will be in the university i want, i will try to change me to translation the next year.. I will have to learn to keep God's will.

Hope find my "NEW BOYFRIEND 2004" there!!! hahahahaha

University Girl
2004-01-22

Oh these bloody busy days!! I was doing all the burocratic stuff for the university thing...after know my results, we have three days to formalize our application, and finally get in. You know,pay, sign, print....doing a lot. And i was very busy. I'm tired. But i'm finally at University.

I just hope to do my best and be the best. I reallly NEED to be the best, because of that depends if i could change to translation next year or not. I will try to do the imposible to get there. There's something called a waiting list, it's a list of people that couldn't get in the career who applicate, and if someone didn't formalize her/his situation, the list moves and someone from the waiting list can get in.

I will go to the calling of the waiting list. I know that in translation the list just doesn't moves...and there's a lot of people before me in the list (i'm n° 24) but i will go anyway. All the chances are mine.

}The admission process is almost over, the calling of the waiting list is this friday. I'm officially a university girl. My classes starts on March 15th.

I'm excited, but not so much.

My vacations
2004-02-05

mmmmm.......don't know how to start....well. I went to second calling for my university career, after a lot of stuff, didn't worked. I don't want to give details because it's long and bored. Anyway i did the impossible, i just have to follow god's will, i guess.

Rarely someone would note, but i didn't updated my diary on a long time. That was b'cause i went to a church camp in Caburga Lake (Chile's South). 10 days. I went withouth any expectations and whith a bad feeling. But was nice, really nice. I go to Caburga's camp since 7 years ago, and this year i really enjoy it like the first time. I was full of blessings.

I realized so much things, like i have hurts who needs to be healed. I thought that everything was healed in my life and it's not. I learned a lot, i feel with a new spirit to start my new stage. Also, i met a lot of people, and felt a litle heartbroken (nobody noted that), i have a crush, but he did'n noted either, anyway he don't like me, and he was out of my league, but i don't care so much, i wont try nothing, just be friend of my friends.

It was a really good experience, more than i could imagine. Maybe later i will write about love things. maybe not.

Realizing
2004-02-07

Oh my gosh. I like this guy a lot. But he likes a friend and viceversa. I have nothing to do. Damn. The worst thing is that he's so perfect to me, i mean he have all that little details that i like in a guy....also yesterday with that t-shirt....oh my gosh!! i like so much that t-shirt!! Why on earth God sent a guy so wonderful to me just when i'm looking for love... but He sent him to my friend!! just unfair!! It's like a bad joke!!! And my friend likes him a lot too. i can't hate them,because obviusly, they're my friends...but the envy...is killing me....oh my gosh why!!!???

Summer....
2004-02-22

I didn't update this in a long time....it's not that i didn't want to, i just couldn't....i had a lot of troubles with my arcaic pc....so i formatted it and i lost all my personal information because i didnt have floppy disks to save them.

I was reading other diaries and i realized that i'm writing bored. Freaky bored and short. I just think great things and thoughts and stuff but all i do is summarize that in a sentence. too bad. I just want to write funny like i usually thought.....oh my gosh....

I'm extremely bored....this are the larger holidays of my entire life! i went in november 26th and i will start my clases on march 15th!! Figure that!!!

There would be no problem if i would really have vacations. But no. All i do is stay in home watching tv, reading, eating and sleeping. They were days that i just didn't cross the line of my house's door...unbelieveable because i know in june i will miss this. Anyway it wouldn't be so bad if we don't get mad for everything. But my mom is too stressed being in this little hell all the summer so she is very "sensitive" right now. Also, my dad's at home and he don't like you know....social life....or at least this months life outside the house, and that's freak out my mom too.

Bur no all is worries because i started to work this weekend giving flyers on a street. I will do the same next weekend. I will get a reasonable pay. And with that money i plan to buy some cute sanrio stuff and expect the university. i'm so bored that i want to start NOW! and i'm a freshment so it's double exciting!!

Now i'm very tired, i almost have insolation and the tan of a lady trucker. My eyes are red....i better go to sleep.

Ah!! i forgot!! i also mad with the post office!! it suppose my harry potter would arrived here at my home yesterday!! i hope get it tomorrow.

-Should i have to finish with my sign??

Updating Life
2004-03-07

I did it again. I want to write more often (it's right to use that phrase?) but i couldn't. Maybe because i'm not a godd-habbit person. And i have to get into my routine to do stuff like this. I'm trying to improve myself but i'm not sure if i can and if i can i'm sure i would need some help and direction.

I don't know when i wrote the past time but i did some stuff that deserves to tell, i mean, in a diary. It isn't all anout reflexions right? Even my life this summer was that: think and to think a lot of a lot of things. Questions, answers, more questions and situations lead me to thing and not to act. And all i need is love (and pray more often).

Well, a work came out of the blue for me. I was doing....nothing (like all febreaury) and a friend of mine call and ask me to work? i say yes even don't knowing what it was about. It was about to give flyers on the street. Oh, i think i wrote about this.

Well, the job was fine and i'm looking forward for the pay *smiling*.

The past week i went to visit a friend and she invite me to her house in Temuco to pass a few days there. Temuco it's like Santiago, my city, but it's nicer because it's in Chile's south and that's make it special. Because everything southern is special. I like special things. The matter is that i went, and i had a great time there. It was so nice to pass the last days of my summer holidays having fun. I really liked went.

Yesterday's night i came here again. And the reggresive count begin. March 15th is close now and i will be inmerse in a new routinw. I can't wait for new things. I want to be proactive, possitive and everything i can imagine. I want to live good and i want a good year.

-Me

Growing Pains
2004-03-08

It's strange to note how the world go round and how people can change. But is more important to you when you note how people that you take care change, and how you change with them. Or without them.

I just see a picture on a fotolog and fell this. And i get a little sad- Because i don't have the ability to change or to grow, it seems like i'm a picture i'm static. And i like changes, i try so hard to do something with my life and to live with purpose and have direction, and grow spiritually, and grow up in general. But i'm a cacoon yet, i can't be a butterfly.

Well the photo was of a friend of mine and jus a year ago, we talk often and we were just a couple of losers with little things in common but friends at last. Even i never have too much faith in this friendship it's been very specialfor me in my teen years. But in a year everything is changed: clothes friends, boyfriends and all....and it's soo cool....but i just can't find in her eyes the person who was. I was too fast the change? or am i too static?.

When i see someone after a long period, they usually say : "You're exactly the same" "you don't change" and i get doubtful and dissappointed because i don't know if that is good or not. And when i really think that i'm a new person that i changed and grown, people don't note that. Just see the outside (an outside that i try to change but is almost impossible without feeling somebody else). I like myself. But sometimes i think people just don't matter and don't care about me. But is only sometimes. I would like to have persons outside my family who really care. I want strong relationships and friendships. I want some people who deserves my love and care.

Butterflies
2004-03-14

"The weather isn't that perfect...but this morning, cold suits me fine. "

Tomorrow it's the deadline, i start my classes at college and i'm extremly nervous. I never thought i would be, but i am. I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach and i know they won't go until i will be in my new classroom tomorrow. I don't know where exactly is and that's fraks me out. I don't know if i'll be in time or anything. I'm totally out of me.

But that's the usual, and i forgot all that this morning. It was a little cold, fall is coming and summer is ending. I get up 7 o'clock an hour earlier, and i was too sleepy becaue of the time change. Anyway that's not important. I was feeling the same damn butterflies i'm feeling right now, but for different reasons. I was looking forward to see him, in church, just as yesterday....just to see him and to say hi and to see him wait the gir he likes and for die a little bit.

So, while i was seeing him, after church i get his, not very wise but important conclusion: I always pick wrong: I fall in love with the "already-taken" ones or with impossible persons (i'm not saying with benjamin mckenzie or something, just persons that you know that won't able).

And that's happen to me and i can help it and i'm looking forward to see him again though i know is for seeing him with someone else. (well, they don't have nothing, but eventually they will).

I'm nervious about classes, too. I'm only thinkin' in don't worry be happy and everyhting happens for a reason.

First Week in College
2004-03-23

How many things can happen in a week!! I always get surprised with that. I would like register everyday's important things, like a diary should be, but that makes lose that effect. And i like to analyze the entire week with their ups and downs.

Well, i get in to college. My classes are so cool, but i still miss history and i really want a creative writing subject, i mean , i need that subject. I need some mind stimulator, because like i said before, one of my biggest afraids is to become a monothematic person, even in an "intelectual" way.

In Chile's unbiversities exists a tradition called"mechoneo" (well, in my university is called cahorreo, because we are cachorros, wich means puppies by the way). And i've been "mechoneada". It was disgusting and dirty, and plus i get a huge blonde spot in the top corner of my head (wich it isn't look that good in my middle brown hair). I assumed that will happen, but i was totally freaked out the first days (they "mechoneaded" me on thursday) about when, plus the sophomores scared us the whole week, but despite all the bad things, it was really fun. That's the good things with traditions.

Anyway,i'm actually studying english pedagogy, who's a very demanded carrer in Chile now, because we're lack in english teaching. But, though i still love japanese laguage and asian culture, and i still like translation, i'm having a little "crush" with this career. The teachers are so nice, and the subjects are so cool....and i sort of like to teach. I mean i'm really happy with english teaching, but i would like to do the both things!!! how can i be confused with only one class week!!!

Classmates are fine. They're nice people and i have the luck to have a christian classmate! we want to participate in GBU and all that stuff. I think that's fine. I would like to meet some people from other careers to know different aspects of college life. Until here it's been nice, really nice.

♥ Life is a flower, and love is a rainbow....i would like to share bluepaint skies with my friends...

It's being difficult not to write
2004-03-29

You know? I dislike the fact that i'm writing once a week. But when i want to write an entry before a week i think that nobody readed the last one yet, although the fact is nobody reads my entries at all. Sooner or later my subconscience will notice that...you know, sometimes i would like to know that someone actually reads my diary...or maybe a specific someone...but i know that's a dream. I'm always in this sort of limbo, wanting to be readed and keeping private my life. Because it's not very usual to me, tell everything it's happening to my life, or my emotions...i don't talk just because. When someone ask me how i do i said fine, or a little interesting fact of the day....but interesting facts are exceptions, usually i have a plain life and i dont know.... maybe that's why is so hard for me. To deal with friends, to deal with boys, specially boys. Only God knows when i will found my boy, a little geek and a little ...i don'tknow, God knows.

I wanted to go to the college beach trip, but i didin't have any money, because the day before i bought a little gift for my dad because of his birhtday. Thursday was the day. The day of the trip, my father's birthday and a GBU meeting. I went to GBU meeting,not to the beach, but it was ok. I enjoy it, there was nice people. We don't have very much money so i'm saving as far as i can. I really hope get the credit to pay university...

Weekend was cool, i help in sunday school at church and saturday night my father's cousin and his family came. It was nice. Nice and simple. I have to do homework so i better stop writing.

♥ I'm having inspiration...i want to write...and i want to found YOU while i'm walking to my classroom.

Adaptation
2004-04-03

Wow !! I didn't notest how fast this week passed. I felt so short, i like that. Anyway this are good life, i feel sunlight in my face every morning even the sky is torn. I'm happy.

Lately, i've been happy for no reason. I like that. Some people asked me if i'm adapted with college, and i totally am, i mean, i like tthis like, there's so much to do, to study lo live...i think it's very cool. I'm meeting new people, making friends, studying new things....cool. I would like to make plans to travel i don't know, maybe next year, but i know i have no money....speaking of money....i really hope to get some credit to pay my studies. Because i know that we can't pay for college with my fhather's income. What will be do? I really don't know. And that disturb me a little.

I want to be a good student, and i thin i will. But i'm so confused....i don't know how it will be next year, if i have good grades, Will i try for a change to translation? I don't know because i really like, and i feel this sort of "call" for Asian countries (i love Asia, and i'm atractted to there somehow). But i don't have any idea of what decision to make. I like english teaching. But i'm not sure....really confused....

But it's april, so there's plenty of time to think in my best decision. I will pray a lot and i hope you pray for me too. I would like to meet some guy and have some love stories. Anyway i'm adapted with my new life. =P

Golden Tuesday
2004-04-06

Tuesday. Today is a golden tuesday with autumm chips on the outside. And i already don't know how i feel. This is happening often since a couple weeks ago. Still wanting to know why. I have to make an effort to remember what i did today and write about it. Because sometimes, in the middle of something, suddenly comes to me a furious desire to write. And to me, this is the place when i have to do that. But when i'm in front of my pc, i don't remember what i wanted to write, and that frustate me.

Anyway, today was a good day. Like all days. Or maybe not. You know i'm not very objective when i have to rank the day: Sometimes it's a good day because of a conclusion or a desicion, or a bad day because of a thing that had happened to me. Maybe strange days when my heart feels and see important stuff in simple facts, things or pictures. So that's why is so difficult to me.

I only had one class, of morphology, wich was good, next week we will have a quiz. My first quiz at last!....I do have fun at college. I went to the chilean international coperation office after that, to pick an application for Monbukagakusho scholarship again. Yep again. I like that of me. That i'm persistant. But this year, in contrast to last one, i'm freaking confused. I used to have things clear, my goals and m,y future. Now that are just cute memories of a before self-of-her-goals girl. But everything will make sense in a cople of years, right? Who knows. That's the funny thing of life.

And something that bothers me in a great way it's to know that out there are persons who are feeling just like me who i would probably know,and i just can't reach them....or reach him....

I wish you were in my life, I want to know who you are, how you are, i know you're near to me. Maybe i already know you, maybe not....but ijus want to stop feeling like this....wih butterflies all the time looking forward to see you...maybe in a glolden tuesday, with autumm chips on the outside, like today.

Not in the mood
2004-04-12

An amazing easter. That was it. I spend a really good time, i really enjoyed GBU meeting and aniversary, plus resurrection sunday. Very cool long-weekend.

I would talk more about that, but i don't know i don't feel in the mood for that. Don't know why, but i'm really happy at the same time i'm really melancholic. Don't know. I don't know anything right now. I just want to sit in a park and see the time pass, the leaves fall......autumm is here. It's cold and i don't have clothes to put on.

I think i found somebody....i fancy someone, but i doon't know very much 'bout him...what do i do? nothing as always. I really like to have a"love story" even minimal, because i feel so bad whenpeople talk abpout that.....i feel depressed and i would like to share some time with a specialperson to me. Want to know who is this person....

Tomorrow i got my firstquiz at last. grammar subject. About sentence patterns and freaking linkin'verbs. I hate thet verbs. And i think i have "tendinitis". Who cares. I don't care. I just don't in the mood for anything. Anything with sense. I think thatb i could fly maybe.....

..::I'm not looking for an answer, i'm just wondering because i like to think::..

Spaghetti heart
2004-04-19

My heart is empty and full at the same time. I can't explain anything for myself. I don't know , my mind is a huge spaghetti dish with no meatballs .I'm feeling that bloody butteflies again. I think that is more than a crush, but i'm so sad because i rarely will be able to see him . I believe that God can clear my heart. I would like to be his friend....i would like to know if he thinks i'm pretty or if i'm dumb or whatever. But i can only see his smile and his kindness, he's always a good person with everyone. Not to me in special. But i already knew him, there's plenty of time.....But i just don't know!....

University has been great. It's getting a little little harder so it's cool. But today i honestly doubt if it was a good decision to study linguistics. I need to know about science,i love science, and i have a passion for history. I think i'm in linguistics because i like to write. It's one of my favourite things. But i'm learning to traspass information to others, and that makes me mad & sad. I need to be creative in my work, i like innovation, and inspiration. I can't live without it. So i have to find how to be creative here, i don't want to be a passive person.

Tomorrow i will go to GBU. I think it's a good way to study bible during the week, and that reminds me to "keep in touch" with God more often. Live in communion.

I'm a happy person, though, melancholic.

"I believe in a thing called love"......good song.

Cold hands, Warm Heart
2004-04-25

Boo...yesterday i wrote a lot here and somebody closed the window ¬¬...well, the day before yesterday...though now it's 12 am for me is still saturday,, hate when that happens!

Well, i was writing about that it was my brother's birhtday he's now 16 and all that stuff. My week was good i went to a GBU meeting, my classes are good, i saw him but i'm feel a little sad because i wont be able to see him often, so i can't become a good friend of him and he will never note that i'm here next to him....damn hate all this stupid and non-sense thoughts....i already met him few weeks ago, there's plenty of time, right? i hope so....The thing is that my mother and a friend of her were talking the other day (i was there...just because) and they were saying that her daughters (that includes me because i'm the only girl in my family) have too high expectations, that we are waiting for someone almost perfect. And that's so untrue! I feel so miserable about romantic stuff but that's only because i never knew if ever someone liked me! many times i liked people, but only unviable (is that word correct? ) persons!I just want some luck in this matter...just a little bit =/

In phonetics we were having practice in some sounds, by telling words and "sayings". One of them specially liked me: "Cold hands, warm heart". I always have cold hands, and -yeah, it's silly- i always afraid of having a cold heart too. Don't know why. I'm not alone.

I like the guy who is always smiling
2004-04-28

He's always smiling. To everyone, for everything. It's his attitude.

I love that of him. I just love his smile.

Because when i think of Him i think he's smiling me.....and to see him....just to think of him.....makes me smile too.

=P

A good day
2004-05-03

AAhhh, my head is spinning fast, faster than i can feel faster than i can tell or see. Many things and nothing happen in one second that's the way of my tinking. It's a teen thinking. It's a child thinking. I don't know if i'm really thinking right now because suddenly it's all butterflies and candies in my head and common sense it's out of order.

Some interesting things happen to me todya. Even i was supposed to write about last week...=P.

As always i saw that cutie guy from spanish teaching....and well..that's not vewry interesting but it was the start of my day . I came to university vvery early, i mean too early and i don't know why....anyway the good things came later!!

In my first class was my first good surprise. Last wednesday i did anoral presentation about the place i live. I thought it sucks, because i was ill (bloody cold) so i didn't prepare well the presentation. And i came first. I really felt that i screw up. But i didn't. Today mr P----- (the names have been changed to protect the inocents hahaha) call us one by one to tell our grades. And i get the perfect score!!! Yeah i have a little mistakes but it was good!!! =D i felt so good inside...good but you know, surprised too.

The next class it was okay, but in the middle mt S--------- told me if i want to do an exam to miss that class this semester, because i know more than my companions. Maybe (just maybe) that's true but i'm not sure if i want, because we have may times a week that class and if i don't have it i will die of boring! I mean, i know i won't study the other subjects because i'm a guge irresponsible girl....but in the other hand i have more free time (for what) i don't have to do the exam at the end of semester.....but this semester is almost over!! aaaggghhhh i don't know....i get so confused!!!

But after that....guess waht: the best párt of the day....ta tan.....i saw him!!! (you may wonder and....who is he?? what cutie is now?) Well this is a guy that i follow for some time (not in a stalking way of course) i chatting by internet with him sometimes but i'm not sure f he knows how i am (though he saw some photos of mine) . And he goes to the same college that i. And today i saw him just where we used to be.....next to my classrooms and i felt so happy!! i saw him and......of course i didn't talk to him....because i'm shy and because i was so worry just seeing him and when things like this happen,my brain stop thinkin' and i just became in some sort of stupid crushed girl.

And i just want him to stay there tomorrow just like today!!!

Today was a good day anyway....but i feel confused and all butterfly-candied.

=P

Brief Update
2004-05-12

Well....few minutes ago i was in front of a big big tree in my faculty seeing biirds eating under the tree. A beautiful view. They were velvet black or maybe smooth dark blue i don't know but they were little and gorgeus. And sometimes life is little and gorgeus. Like that.

Now i'm writing fromm university library because we didn't pay internet yet and they cut it in my house...so i won't be able to update very often....

Man things had happened but, i just can't remember all....maybe it's because of the time, i supposed to be in class right now but.....i can't take that subject because thety ALREADY passed me with a good grade. What can i do. Also, i have a new and coll haircut, since my dad, the best i ever had hehe. I liked so much!! it's because i like changes. I think i look cooler, older (but in a good way you know) and i don't know...maybe prettier.

But my cutie smiley boy didn't noted....=( maybe did but he dont care =( i like him so much! i didn't see him in a while....he's asian you know? hehe. Have to go now because i will try to enter this class anyway.

See ya roun'!

=P

Back in Action (need some action, too)
2004-05-22

I'm back. And i'm happy. I already forgot what happened to me the past ten days and i hate that. Because i did some imnportant stuff last week. Anyway, i forgot. and that's why i'm writing a journal for god sake!!! aghhh. i feel ugly again. I feel so teenager, so 14 year-old (nothing against them but....) think i want to grow up, but i'm in the reverse process, who knbows why. Feeling, much way insecure and stupid, and childish, and inmature....God knows how i hate this tricky and creepy hormonal rollercoaster, because that means being a girl, at least at part.

Some people say that i lost weight (not so much, but cool ) i feel fatter. I need exercise and some distraction in my life, break rules and routine, that's exactly what i want. My love life sucks. And honestly i want some uy to be my distraction, because i'm feeling as stupid as a 30 year old lady with love troubles and alone as a cat (i love cats, and again nothing against 30-year-old ladies...). My life is good you know, but it can be better, everyone has their history...i don't. And i desperatly need one.

=P

Empty......(brain, heart and words)
2004-05-26

I feel weird. I don't know what's happen but i have this sensation like if something just doesn't fit. My life doesnt fit in...my life. Is strange i just don't feel bad, but i don't feel good either. It's like my heart its in blank. I'm empty.

Everything's so plain, i think my life is great, but something's missing....something's still missing and i can't find what it is!!! If God could give me a clue.....i don''t have any idea of what to do with myself. Should i keep living my routine, my plain life without asking myself about nothing? or rather listen to my empty heart? maybe i will read a psychology book. Hell no. I need something to shouth...to love to hate. Maybe i need a problem. Or probably a love story, or a friend, or a just a situation who make me realise that the days pass with a purpose, not just because. Oh God give me a passion, a shallow and mundane passion to live, to fill my head and ask about i don't know. My life is confusing...no it's simple, maybe too simple. I'm a person too simple maybe...i don't know what to do with myself (like the song, ha) about next year....future overwhelm me....aghh i would like to fly and to write well....or do something well.....just well....

New counter
2004-06-01

Ahh....this weekend i wil be on a place called "costa azul" with a bunch of people too learn more about God. Past friday i went to the chilean-german institute to see a movie with my classmates, for philosophy. It was about Humboldt, guy who discovered lots of things here in america and he was a great scientist. But the moviie was far too odd. Nobody understand it. Plus, i went to church in saturday and in sunday 2 classmates came to my house and we studied a lot. Yesterday i did a quiz about sociology of education.

It sounds so simple right? nd it seems i do many things, but i don't believe that i just followed my routine. How sad, huh?. 2 days ago i was dying to write and today nothing comes to my head...how bad can be that....I screw up. That test of sociology was demoniac i think i will fail but i pretend to have faith....and wait. Agh i don't know i don't know!!! Now trhat i have a counter i will be able to know if someone read this, and i will write more.

Dah.dah

This is one of those days when i feel stupid

Totally Blessed
2004-06-11

Well...yesterday i tried with no results to write an entry, just bevcause the servers were overloaded i guess. i was so pissed off!!! Anywayz i was trying to update bcause since like one week that i don't write and i was going crazy....and so many good things happened!

First, i went to a zonal encounter of GBU, and it was amazing. I learned a lot and i meet nice people, it was a real bless, God touch my heart in a good way. It was nice very nice.

Before that, i went to the 18th youth nd children books expo, i try to go there every year, because since i have use of my mind since i know that i would be able to read i visited that expo. I still like children books. I dreamwith writing one, a good one. Sice couple years ago i bought always a book from SM editorial, generally from Maria Gripe,this year was no exception. I bought "El Rey y El Cabeza de Turco" (I Klockonas tid--->swedish original title, i don't know its name in english) but i couldn't find the one i'm looking for. It's from Maria Gripe too, because she did a saga called "The shadows" but inn the last book the backcover says that they're four!!! And i don't know its original or englih name i don't even the name in spanish!! I really want to read that book i'm kind of obssesed with that. Another book i bought was "Surprised by Joy" from CS Lewis, one of my favourite authiors, and amazing book. 'm surprised too, because in this book he tells how he convert to christianism, he wrote this lots of years ago, and i still identify with him. It was another bless to find that book in that really low price!! that made me happy.

And finally yesterday.....i was totally stresed but it was so cool!!!! It was another meeting of GBU but this one was in my university. It was so nice...i mean, i'm so happy. I'm seeing hoy my Lord is touching lives is making work in my heart. Today in a few minutes, i will go to church and then we'll go to give some flyers for an event tomorrow night, it's called the "pub night" and it will have an evangelistic orientartion. This days are good days to be a God's child. =P

To think or not to think...that's the writing
2004-06-18

I tried to write this before. But when the moment come my mind goes blank and i just don't know what can i write. It's not that nothing happened to my life, though nothing too big either. It's not that what makes me forget what i want to write. It's just this lack of inspiration, because being in front of a pc it's not very charming to my mind. I like to write stylish, which it's hard to me in English -because i have not a great level in this language - and that's why i need my mind clever my eyes ready to see the beauty in a line in an image...but when i got here, in my house's pc room in front of this keyboard, i feel i'm getting dumber in a way. Miss the days when i was clever because today i know i'm an ordinary writer. I know God gave me once that gift...does He took it away from me? because i miss write cool. I miss to feel as a writer, live as one, be a writer. When i was a child i remember think in my grown up life, writing books living in a cool house... living my own and special way of life. And now i'm just as ordinary as my cats. How sad can be that!!! In this moment, youth only want to be special, now being "nerd" is fashion, being alternative and all that stuff...just to shout....i am a unique person!! God knows that already, and i kind of know that too, but with this all new fashions of trying to be the "special unique alternative guy" of the class i missed my identity. At least my first one. All my childhood i was like that. And now i'm feel dumber and more inmature than then. What shall i do now? Writing is still my best way of comunication, i'm not a really social person, though it might be like i have several friends (but...are they real?). Oh. That's what i'm talking about. here only i can write inmediate things, feelings at the moment my hands are typing this. But my thoughts, where are they?...do i have any opinion? I need to find out that. i need to become a thinkin' person again. my feelings are clearly enough and written enough. God will give me the answers, i trust Him...but i'm too way short of patience.

=P

Mist and Shadow
2004-06-27

it's funny how mind works and how i always change the subject of these entries. I always have an idea in my head but when the moment comes my hands type differently. I tried to write on friday and i couldn't it was too late and i was falling asleep as i was typing. I was going to wrote about my week, because it was very busy, strange fact in my boring boring life. But i guess i won't today.

I'm a confused girl. Because i don't really want to know what to do with my life: i'm studying english teaching (as a foreign subject), when i enrolled for this career (or course...i'm not pretty sure because my dictionary says one thing and my teacher another) i only thought in swtcching to translation, but now things aren't like that. I liked teaching, but i miss the challenge...i don't know if i'll be a good teacher anyway. I like literature but i didn't think about that until i enrolled here. If i swith to literature i have to do one more year to get the teaching license anyway. So i'm confused. There's some things to choose in my life and i don't want to. Maybe deep inside of me i know what to do but my ego refuses to accept it. i have to know His will...oh damn i always create a mess of a simple thing. Guess all people do. Ohhh i want to explain myself better but i don't have time it's extremely late to satay awake...i have to wake up early tomorrow....(and i have to study yet...oh! there's no time to sleep =S), just a couple of things before i dash: I'm getting mad because people think that i'm stdying japanese translation and i don't!! it hurts me when theay say that. It's not their fault anyway. I still plan to go to Asia, to live there a while and to visit Japan.

In LOTR return of the king movie, there's an scene i love: Pippin singing...oh he sings a beautiful song when he has to serve -as a soldier of Gondor- to Boromir's father. That beautiful song has the words "Mist and Shadow" in its choir...and it shoocked me. I feel a cloud in my head mist and shadow is only i can see. My heart is clear but my future...it isn't. I have faith and i trust...but getting confused it's inevitable.

Sad....
2004-07-04

I feel depressed. I'm very sad though i laughed a lot and i had a great time. This is mainly for 2 things:

1. One of my cats DIED U_U. And "watto" died in a cruel way, he was killed by street dogs. We ddint able to give him a grave next to cortello, my first cat, because people trown him to the garbage. How sad can be that!!!!! He was a good cat, he necer did bad bad things, he wasn't naughty as negrito his brother....and he died!!!! ~_~

2. I realised that i hadn't any social life this semester. I NEED to go out, to be a normal 18 girl. I don't have any "party-friend" to go out with....i need to GET A LIFE. This is more than urgent.

Well...everything else has been niormal, i strill confused (now a little MORE) I need some counseling, advice. I would like a boyfriend too. Semester is almost finishing!!! In my winter vacations (they're kinda sspring break) I will go to Buenos Aires, Argentina, for 4 days. Cool ah? i will go with my young uncle, Juan Pablo, and with Chandra, my mother's cousin.

I don't feel in the mood to think or feel, so i guess that's all. Poor watto!!! (my cat)

Suddenly
2004-07-08

Oh...Geez.....suddenly, my heart is torn again....A coupple minutes ago my dad finished a phone conversation w/my uncle.... my grandpa has stomach cancer.

Suddenly i feel sad... My grandfather lives in the south, i son't see him verey often. My both parents have a problematic relation with their respective parents. Also, my grandpa (or how i call him, "Pito") its very far from, God, my lord, the one who reliefs my pain, my suffer...God, who makes me so happy. I sad because i would like to have a deep relation with him...i jknow his proud of me and we seem alike in some ways....but i still losing him.

Today's problems are little now. I'm sick ant toddya i went to a doctor. I have some lung problems, but it's not so terrible....at least i'm not having cancer right?

Tomorrow it's my phonetics exam, and i haven't study yet. I'm so bloody irresponsible. I'm so worry and confused. But, though all that, i'm so blessed and happy. Thank God.

Determined
2004-07-13

I'm very sad today. Again. It's raining like hell here, and, though i love rain, i'm hating every minbute of this storm. I'm very sick because of this bloody time (and yeah, because of me, for being so irresponsable). I don't have neumoniae, i don't have bronchitis but i do have something between that. I'm with antibiotics and i will have too take them for 10 days and x -rays too.

The worst thing is that i can't go out when i want. I have to stay in bed because i have to be good to the trip. Because i will TRAVEL TO BUENOS AIRES ARGENTINA!! it'snot big deal, and it's just a weekend. But anyway i'm excited because i love traveling and i always wanted to go to Bs Aires!!! xD

The thing is today is the birthday of one of my good friends. I'm sad becaue i don't see my friends since last year....LAST YEAR!! what kind of friend am I?? and i wanted to see them...i'm so nostalgic these days. Last night i was listening too the radio until 3:00 Am i just couldn't sleep. And i wanted to bring back all the good moments, i wanted to stay in bed forever and don't let the time to move on. Because yesterday i discovered one of my biggest fears: I'm afraid to take risks. And that affects my whole life...i feel like everyone moves and i'm the same child -inside- since ten years ago. I'm like a 8 years old girl who is afraid of everything new. Hoping ythis to change i'm DETERMINED to make some chages.

Yeah i'm determined to be a good girl. Or maybe to be bad...i don't know. Thethings is, that i decided to make another diary but in spanish. It won't be a translation, and i will still writing here, this is "my official diary" anyway. Hehe....

I feel in a rain cage. (are this words okay???)

Aleatory Thoughts
2004-07-17

I'm done with the semester. But i'm not so tired, or at least not like i thought i would be. It has been a semester full with new experiences but....but. There is always a but. Today i feel something's missings theres a lot of road to walk and i'm walking with my eyes closed. Strange feeling huh?

Crazyness. I need madness i need to be an insane person for a while...act with my instincts without analyze decide so quicly that i couldnt be able to se pros and cons, live wild...i don't know why i'm too way rational and cold sometimes....

Where's my heart? today, between joke and joke someone ask me that. I'm asking myself where's my heart??? Let's separate God who is in the first place (or should be...because sometimes it isnt because of me, unperfect human, stupid most all the time), let's separate family because it's always there and it's part of a completely different issue. Where's my heart then? It is next to someone eles's heart, it's with my vocation? Where's my passion and friends, who (or what) is that make me belive in romance?? Because romance it's not only for persons you know i think i can have some sort of "crushes" in certains aspects of my life (or how can you explain people who is "in love with the love"???). Anyway i have the "suspicion" that my heart its belonging to something [or someone]. I just have to find what, and where it is.

I'm totally freaked because tomorrow i will work babysitting to a 7 month child. Since a lot i don't sit so little childs. I don't remember how it is i don't feel qualified. I really hope not to mess up. Im scared!!!!!

=P

Rainy - Last Hour Confessions
2004-07-21

[Written yesterday , a rainy rainy night]

I love the sound of the rain. Specially when it's pouring rain. This night is gorgeous and i can't sleep. Technically, it's wednesday , so tomorrow i will fly to Bs. Aires. I'm excited about the trip, but a little concerned because I just wanna be relaxed and i'm not sure if i will be able to. My trevel-mated are really hysterical, i mean i just prepared my suitcase, at last minute, that's the way i am. I can't (and i don't want) do it earlier. anyway i'm making a list of all the things i want to buy there. I will not carrry much money but i will use it the best i can.

Yesterday (tuesday) I went with some old classmates to see our friend Janis and her newborn baby...it's so cute!!! so little too.... i was afraid to hurt it just for looking the baby.

We were playing to be "big girls", mature and grown ups, with complex but ADULT liives. Having responsibilities, make it by ourselves. Janis doesn't want to know about the father of the baby. I don't want to know about having babies (you know how painful is??? i'm so not ready) or taking responsibilities. Most of the people there aren't in college yet (but preparing to enter next year).

It's stopping raining. I don't know, but I often feel that horrible sensation of "being exactly like ten years ago" when I talk with people far from my instant present. Everything's different but the same. Maybe their lives are not changing so much though their behaves, tastes, pointviews, etc. do. Their changing theirselves, their attitude of life. Me , in the other hand, i'm not changing at all. My life does but i'm the same silly girl from 4-5 years ago. I had not big changes. Maybe I just have to wait the others to change. But i think i don't want. I mean, i don't want to be a completely different person in the next 10 years, just to realise that is someone who is probably the opposite of she (i mean, me) wanted.

I want so much things that i can't get even one. Too many goals, so little time. Thank you God because smiles and dreams are always free.

Ooogggh i remembered I have these troubles with taking subjects for this next semester (wich starts on August 2nd, so....i'm in my winter holidays!!) I think that all my subjects are allrights, apparently i have a really cool schedule....but i don't know why i can't take Japanese!! I'm so pissed off!! I'm afraid of i won't learn japaanese this semester so i'm close to cry and wanting to die. Also, i have to think in "the decision".....No, no, no: I will focus on having the time of my life in my holidays in Bs Aires, just to return and having my mind in blank.

I will wait until August the 2nd to think. I hope my plan works. =P

In blank again
2004-07-31

Yeah. I think it's time to add a new entry. I'm not sure if i wanted to write earlier, because i did so well my job and i really fulfil my winter break (or holiday or vacation..) objectives. Mymind is totally in blank. I'm just don't want to think anymore. it's so...comfortable, you know. I don't even in the mood to talk or being with pweople, nothing. Just lie in any surface able to support my weight (oh my goodness i gained a lot in just one weekend...) and see the horizon. Nothing else.

Yesterday a couple of friends cisit me we saw a movie, talk etcetera..but i wasn't in the mood for anything, i wasn't talkative or empathic or nothing. Plants are starting to be relatives of mine. I'm such a lazy person!!!! That is so not good!!! dam,n it! i'm so used now, and monday classes starts at 8 O CLOCK . Chinese torture with extra soy sauce.

The movie i saw, was "down with love"...¬¬. I have no comments. No important comments anyway. It wasn't the perfect movie (i mean it was way too far from that) but it's funny and i love ewan mcgregor with dark hair..i can forgive it anything. I liked the movie but i felt so down with love...my boy isn't seem to appear on this earth (is he an astronaut?).

I'm listening Tango...and i'm feeling starnge...oh my mind is so in blkank that flies with the music i'm with Gardel and Astor Piazzola inm Corrientes street in Buenos Aires....what a cool city buenos aires. I have to come back. Really nice trip. But i want more like that. I want to travel all over the world. I want to learn japanese. (I'm so pissed off i still can't sign up with that class).

I guess i have to take fresh air. I'm not thinking clear. Words arelosing sense....bye bye

While i was eating a sandwich....
2004-08-14

Looking for you was a need. Reach for you a decision, and flolowing you, the swetest duty. It's hard sometimes because it's about principles, it's about i can't go with the flow, though i'm destinated to. But yu're greatest above everything, so,nothing it's imposible because you're in my world and in my soul.

While i was talking an ordinary matter with my mom and having lunch, i made the great decision : no worries. I will continue on teahing, and i will study a lot about asia, to succed in the applicant test for the scholarship, and then, trying to go to Japan. It sounds so simple and socrazy, maybe that's why i'm relaxed now. I need my chance to fail and to succed. and that's why i'm making plans. I won't try to do everything right, i will letmyself to do mistakes. Because life and glory is lots of fails. I know it, and i'm trying to accept it.

Tomorow i have to work and i dont want to go. But i have to anyway. It's so late and i didn't sleep well this week. I don't know why. I want to buy a pair of converse snickers (is that the word?) but they're too expensive for my parents to pay. I want to pay a part or somnething. I'm trying to fill every little space of free time with any activity...because important things in personal area doesn't happen sionce....ever. So i have time to waste. Just call me.

I'm a irresponsable, selfish, pedant, inmature and darkie girl. And sometimes i like it. But sometimes i feel depressed because of that. But nobody notes it anyway. Does anybody -family and God doesn't count, i don't like that pre-school answers- know me?? Does anybody cares about that besides me?? . Oh gosh, i'm writing teenage garbage again. Damn. Bye.

Long-haired Girls
2004-08-30

I don't know how to start. It's 2 am and i should be studying, finishing my homework or sleeping. But i'm right here wasting my time and i can't help it. I had to write, because ideas moves so fast that if i catch one, i have to keep it.

This week i saw several romantic movies. what's wrong about it? that i'm think i'm kind of addict to them . I detest their simplicity, their non-real-life situations, their stereotyped and commercial format; they are against to the definition i have of relationship matters. But i can't stop seeing them and believing the stories, and smiling while i'm feeling butterflies in my stomach when the two main characters finally kiss and live happy forever after. It's like mind masoquism.

That eventually makes me wondering about myself. What am i doing wrong? Why they're cute girls with "bad luck" in love, but they arent losers???. That is restricted to men. Girls should have an strange problem to be bad in personal matters. You know i'm totally stupid with this. But i'm ugly too,not horrible but i'm not the nice that a girl should be.

Sometimes i identify with two main archetypes: with the girl-with-concentration-problem-succesful-but-strange and the heartbroken-workoholic-intelligent-but-cold-independent-woman. The issue here is that usually in movies girls are gorgeous and they're lonely because of a murphy's law matter or something. I'm not so pretty. I mean, i'm not ugly but i'm not a pretty face. just average. weight gained and childish full-with-pimple face instead. And i have short hair.

Why boys like so much long-haired girls???? with angelical faces??? i don't understand why they're so extremist. Because they like the nicest or the most impossible girl in the neighbourhood. I'm the audience which their only long-term relationship it's with the charachters of a love story. So sad and pathetic but true.

I dont wanna be a longhaired girl. I just want a boy who likes me the way i am. It seems very difficult to find. And i'm tired of waiting.

*Note* : I'm sad, excited and happy at the time. Sad because today i knew that one of my cats just died by poisoning =(. Excited (and really nervous) because tomorrow will be my firs real interview for a really cool work (in apec convention) and i really want to get it (please pray!). And happy because today was full moon and it was brilliant (litterally). Gorgeous moon, iluminating the street....so romantic night....

nfinitive ideas
2004-10-21

(guess i did this before....anyway try to understand it and enjoy!)

To look at the sky.
To look into your eyes.
To crush.
To fall.
To forget.
To realise i can't.

To wait.
To get impacient.
To stay.
To see the power of God working in my life.

To be uncertain about so many things.
To doubt, then regret.
To trust only in His will.

To breath the parfum of roses.
To wake up early in the morning.
To rain.
To start all over again.

To be shy.
To dare.
To think about him.
To decide never talk about that.

To feel.
To believe.
To have faith.
To receive.

To Expect everything is good in your life, as is mine, though sometimes i feel a bit dark, and when i thought there's no hope, i have to be thankful...because of how blessed I am.
So little time, so quickly people leaves of my life and just cant reach them. What can i do? Tell them: please dont go? let'snstay together a little longer? that's impossible,. Because it's God's Will, powerful because it's our destiny.

To say goodbye
To hold you tight

To find at least "the one" to share some time

Have to be honest: confusing thoughts of a complaining girl.
2004-10-27

I'm complaining too way much. I would like not to think anymore. But it's impossible. It's the only thing i can do.

I'm mad with myself. Extremely angry. I just don't understand how sometimes i can be so simple. I believe too many things. I'm confused in this love matter too. Don't know why. 'cause we're supposed to be friends. I think he believes that. And i believed that maybe until just a couple of days ago.

But it's impossible. Probably this person will read this entry, and i'll want a place to hide myself. What a shame!! what i was thinking?? too many differences....i mean..ahhhh this horrible feeling of being confused. I just wrote some things in my spanish diary. Maybe it's more polite and it says that i just don't know what to write about. But that's not completely true. I dont know how to express myself and that's the terrible thing. I can't be sincere with myself, with my feelings, with people, with my friends in general, with this one in particular......i mean, who really cares? Maybe there's a couple of things i want to hear first...until then, i can't be honest.

When you see death in the eyes of the people you love
2004-10-30

Things happen for a reason. But the reason i don't know. Couple days ago i was writing in another site about little miracles. But now i see the big ones....when you see real problems you see the real blessings.

Waiting the right timing, hoping true peace in the hearts of the people i care about.

Rollercoaster
2004-11-07

Well, i guess this happens to the best of us. I'm not a communicative person, but i'm feeling-dependent. That's so bad for my taste; at this time of the year you start to think in all you victories and defeats. But i don't wanna talk 'bout my year yet, because there's stll time, and i'm confident (again: is that the word?) that God has some surprises for me.

I'm in a rollercoaster, lately. Why? I'm not sure. It sarted quite fine, slowly, having new experiences and being in differents situations. As time passes, this things had matured in me, and getting complex between each other. That's the first loop; then, i think over about my whole life, and my relation with God. The calm comes again, but my mood is very fluctuanting these days, some love-affairs doubts, confusing frindships, starting too feel this thing in the stomach. Tht's abother loop, but but the next one is coming already: my future, the university routine....that makes me feel....makes me feel that's the point!!!
I was used to a certain apathy, to a certainquiety because things were slowly. But now, i'm shocked with all these new experiences and i don't know if can't bear everything. Alone i know i can't. God is helping me in so many ways, and He put wonderful people beside me, though i don't know very well how to interact. This sounds kinda pathetic or like the bubbleboy, but somehow it's true. My lifestyle was so comfortable, i was protected by my mask, but now after made the great decission of live my life fully, the mask is broken, now i'm more transparent, sensitive, but also vulnerable. People can hurt me,mopre than before....but i'm taking risks.

Final Loop. Uncertain. The future and God's will. The things i have to change and the ones i have to discovers. The things i have to decide. What wants God for my life. So many questions and doubts, and the answers are so slowly. I'm trying to get out of the rollercoasterm, i'm feeling dizzy. I'm with a continous blend of feelings and ,moods and emotions. And it's so tiring. But i'm trusting in "The One"...

I just need you to hug me tight....

Bloody Wheel of Fortune (so called life)
2004-11-21

I'm not a lucky person. I know if i analuze my life i will realize that i havce a lot of things to be thankful and stuff but i'm not talking of that kind of things, i'm being shallow......
I'm the perfect example of Murphy's law. If something can go wrong for me, it does. I always the one who gives the luck, but i feel i'm not allowed to keep it with me, i'm a facilitator: i try hard to get a job and oportunities, and i get it,usually not as great as you can imagine, but good. Always someone came and with my help that person it's double or tripple successful than I. mmm strange, but awesome. I know that is a really good and useful gift. At least want to believe that, i can help so much people, and i do that sometimen even without knowing.
I really would like this wheel of foprtune let me win the game, i know i have the right number. I know, i just have to wait,i don't wanna be a gambler.
I'm like eugene, from hey arnold!! the cartton,...i'm fine!!!! dont worry though all unlucky and embarrasing things that happen to me, i'm fine because i know i'm being reward (or will be)

Am I a (your) Playground love?
2004-12-23

I will ommit this time my classical monologue about me and excuses of my lack of writing and inspiration.

I feel so damn dumb. I'm acting like a baby, an stupid in love baby -i suppose-, I can't be sincere.
I'm a playground girl . He's a highschool lover. Why ? Why i can't be your playground love????
Stupid feelings, all i do and all i wanna do is talk about the same stupid reasons and dreams just as inmatures teenagers. I don't want to be this desperate kind of girl i see in front of me. That stupid mirror is lying right??

Just be sincere!! tell me that you don't care abpout me in THAT special way i wan!!! I wont cry or make an scene. Because i'm not that stupid. Not yet..If you tell me with your own words...i will be able to let you go and look at you again in that inocent way. Just realise that i'm aring about you, that it can't be possible, because we are in different stages, and blah blah. Just realise!!!!

Bloody age difference. Bloody feelings of mine.