2003. English

First of all
2003-06-14

First of all...i'm starting to understand this, thanks to lis (although she doesn't know me) because she do this layout and its really beautiful. This week has been so stressful...and sometimes i think i wont be capable to stay alive because im too tired. Anyway i will put the things that came from my heart and/or from my full funny~tricky stressful mind

Freedom!!!
2003-06-18

Well…. I was reading a friend’s diary, and I realized that I was in the same move…until now. I feel so free, because today I finished the “Hobsbawm” process. That was a really long-really stressful book, although simple, I’ve been very stressed about that. But today….I’m finally free!!!! I’m not managing my time good, and that caused me a lot of problems, like days without sleeping…. “no fun at all” (like the band¬_¬) and I’m going bad in School…so, from this moment I decide to live a non-stressful life. I will do my Best, yeah, but I cant do more if I wont get any benefit.

I’ve tried to do a lot of schedules and stuff…and that doesn’t work with me. But I know I have to try because I have a goal to reach…

Sometimes you fall…sometimes you get up……all I know now it’s i can do my life again (academically) since now

Chapter 1: Dawson, Me & TV
2003-07-09

Oh… I wanted to talk about so much things….but I couldn’t actualize earlier….anyway….. This days a lot of situations happen to me, and I just wanted to write, but now that I can…I don’t know what I want to write, I can’t find the words that came to my mind few days, few hours ago. Who knows why….

Anyway, last Monday (July 1rst) was the final episode of Dawson’s Creek ever. I was so touched!!! I mean, I didn’t saw the last two season because there were the most bored thing, but the last 3 episodes are part of the best of Dawson’s Creek ever. Seeing the last episode was especially important to me, and I can say not only to me but also to my classmates and friends, because we are finishing a whole cycle, and it seems that all the events or things that represents our childhood and part of our adolescence are finishing with us: School, TV, etc… It feels so weird, I’m feeling so nostalgic, like I want to get back few years ago….

The weirdest thing is I think I wont miss school and all that stuff, I’m think I going to miss something else, in fact I’m missing the thing I never done and I wont never do because they are things that you do in a specific moment (Am I clear??) like you know, go more parties, go less parties, so this thing, do that…etc

Maybe its not my moment for that, but I’m still thinking, something is missing and I can’t find it what it is???? I don’t know I keep searching until year it’s over and the same nostalgic and strange strange feeling of goodbye go trough my body, just like I was seeing Dawson’s.

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A thought:

TV is sometimes wonderful and sometimes awful. How much we include TV in our lives?? For some people it’s like the only thing that it’s important, and to me that’s close to sickness; but sometimes it works to unite people all over the world around an interest….What we make it’s the difference.

I always thought that friends get close around an interest, but something deeper makes stay together in time, because we change in the time, and we are persons totally different when years pass….

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Next Chapter: The stole, Honesty and Anita Alvarado: When bad things makes me go mad

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Bonus Track - "Loving Memories"
2003-07-20

I forgot...how much I needed a book in my bag....

When i want to cry, when i need an exit, there is my book in my bag to escape to another world, to another history..to another reality.

But, recently, i haven't any book at my bag and that's "discontrols" me. I can't stand with a feeling, with a "situation", i can't contain my tears...pushing me, forcing me to face reality, my reality, and grown up, to move my life to a world bigger that my mind.

Now, there are such loving memories, it was time to forget what's going on in a real world and go to my inner world, that was then.

i miss all that book characters who bring me an illusion, illusion that ended when i turn the page, the last page....illusion that becomes a dream in my heart.

I will read a book this holidays (my winter holidays), but i will try not to forget, not to escape, i will just live from an illusion to dream, dream with that loving memories....

Too strange to be true (Another Bonus Track)
2003-07-29

Oh no..... I'm too nervous...i can't believe that this things happen....

The thing is: I was apply (sorry for my grammar i dont have time for checking) to a scholarship to go to Japan, but i didnt have any expectations....and now i can do the entrance exam!!!! Its really unbelievable..... but i didnt stufy anything yet....so i dont think i'll gonna pass the test. Anyway, i'm so nervous because...i dont know why i'm so freaking nervous, i know that my score will be the lowest, and i just cant figure that they call me.

By the way i'm christian and if someone christian is reading this i want to ask your help. Please pray!!!!! i don't know what's going on here but the pray is always good. My exam wiil be in August 7th at 9:30 am (Chilean Hour)

Life pass... time pass....and i'm still here
2003-08-08

Welll. I did the test, and it was easy, but i wasn't prepared, anyway. I'm so relaxed because i know if i apply for that scholarship next year i will go to Japan, i mean i will pass the test, but i don't know about the interviews.......

In ten days not very much has happen. I'm back in school now, the winter "vacation" was so short, only two weeks and there's again, my stressing routine, and my last two months of scholl ever. I mean, i will graduate in december but my classes finish in early november, it's very strange what happen in my classroom. I know we will miss all the school routine and stuff but we had too much and we dont want more, we know that these days will be our last days together, seeing us everyday, but we just want some rest. Proveof thatit's today, onmly 2 girls go to school. Most of them (including me) go to "instituto nacional" a famous male school in Chile. It was the anniversary. I know i'm not very sociable, but i have many friends, and i know a lot of people but i have not any male friend, i'm talking of a real friend, not someone that you just know. I mean, in december i dont know who will be my prom partner. I know this sounds supperficial, but it's strange, because i'm too shy to invite *someone* to the prom, and i dont want to go alone. I read this recently, and it really sounds superficial, but it has something deeper: i have to learn to be more friendly and trust in other people, because that's something that freeze me when i know someone, i'm always thinking if they really think what they are sayin'....... In short: It does'nt care so much my life has been the same this days nothing is happenexcept that i did the test and yeah, my hello kitty clip-on dissapear.It was on my schoolbg, and it was my favorite....I'm sad bcause it was beoming a good remember.

Signs
2003-08-22

Do you believe in signs??? do you believe in luck??

I don't believe in luck, but i'm not really sure about signs, although. I'm starting to believe in them as messages of God you know??? I mean everything, everyday can be a sign, but is not a subject to be a paranoid...

God is sending to me signs, a lot of signs, but i don't know what they mean..

As example: The day i came back from my winter holiday (august 4th) when i enter to school i saw a little tree that is near to my classroom (although i'm on a 2nd floor ¬_¬). The things is that the tree was blossomed, full with cute little white flowers. That makes me happy. And i think that simple things makes us really happy don't you think??

In that moment, that was my impression, and i fellt that everything has to be okay, because i believe in God's will. Coupple of days later, all the flowers gone, now is green green the....it's a shame that blossom last so little....

The spring is coming, and with springs come all my hopes...'ve been a little depressed this few weeks, but i'm focusing on flowers. They remind me the hope, the hope i need. The hope and faith onm God's Will.

The street where my house is, has a lot of trees, i think they are a sort of plum tree, they're red with red leaves, and the flowers are so much like cherry....They are my own sakura trees..and when they are blossom it's like my own
hanami in my home. It's really cute. I love flowers, they give me faith and hope, they are signs from God. I can't wait to see blossom.

Irresponsible
2003-08-30

Hi everyone...

i feel so bad today...it is supposed to be a very busy day, i suppose to do alot of thingd andi'm here writing. I'm so irresponsible.......And i always be the same.

I don't what i am the way i am, but this is me . Today i didint go to an essay, to a seminariom, both veery important to me, And why?? because i was tired. Because i was sleepy. Because i'm irresponsible. Yesterday wasa celebration day, my high-school aniversary. later, i have an EJE meeting (EJE it's a very special youth gathering) inb my church. I was so tired. That's why i'm writing my diary instead ofthe leadering seminarium. That's why my mother is yelling to me right now.

Because i'm irresponsible and i feel awful.

The judge
2003-09-03

Don't know.
Don't think.
Just sitting there hearing your prayer
I wish you luck

Maybe doesn't rhyme
maybe you cry
staying there trying to be right
You shout.

I have to be a jury
in a little box full of strangers
Seeing, judging you,
even if is not my duty

Please forgive me
I tried to be imparcial
Guess i'm mean
Sorry for my honesty.

Remember, i'll always love you.

Chapter II : Honesty

2003-09-03

I'm feeling....so bad, so sad. I just don't know why it hurts so much. Honesty, a gift or a curse?? usually i think the first one. But i think in all that crap and consequences of honesty and dishonesty carries.

Oh i'm so pissed off!!!! First, it's the stole. Couple momnths ago i was in classes with my
merchandise bag, and all the girls were passing he bag each other. Suddenly, when the bag comes to me again, i notice that it has a little less things than before - i thought that it was a stole- i was so angry that i was with my tears droppin' my eyes. I don't know what happen there, maybe i just lost that things, but that as my first desilusion with my school.

And now.... oh i feel disapointed. The thing is, that a couple of my friends do something wrong, without her parents permission.And i knew it. So one day i was talkin'with my mom about it -bvecause we talk about everything- and she worry a lot for these girls., she wanted to talk with her parents. I said no, because they ask me to do that,.

The following day, while we're talkin' i told they that my mom know everything, and they just become a fury with me. They thought that my mom or myself going to reveal the "secret". I just say no, and i'm still saying no, because they dont trust in me anymore. I just say that thing to my mom because she was worried about they. And they almost hate me now. They can't be honest people.

They hurt me so deep!!! they hardly talk me today, all my classroom was seeing me so bad!!!. I know, we are young, and sometimes we have this complicity....but this case it was differnt, my mom knew that story at that time, she was "there" (oh, this entry is very confusing uh?).

Well, sometimes you pay. Sometimes you feel dissapointed. People who you consider your friends turn their back (maybe it's not for that much). But i have to be strong. Several friends gave me their support when i was down. One say: "You have to be like a palm tree" -palm tree? i said- "Yeah, palm tree, they are strong, they move, but even then , they are firm"

I will try to be stronger. To ask God more faith. To be with him in everything i do. To show his mercy and forgiveness without words.

Write this, it's a relief.

Fresh Air
2003-09-09

Seems my life is going normal and maybe good. Maybe too normal. Even boring. I'm becoming in a boring person. I need some fun some originality, some life. I need to know new places, new people, new things.

Don't get me wrong, i'm happy now, only a little bores. And a little alone.

Don't know why, i have friends yeah, from school, yeah, but we'll getting appart as year pass. Why?? because all that stupid stress and prsion that cbecomes from
PSU. I mean, this next couple of months will be get closer and we will remember all the good, the bad, and the ugly schooltimes, but that's only "nostalgia" . Then we will starting a new phase of our lives, and only the true true friends will sty together.

Please if some of my friends is reading this (thing that's very improbable), don't feel bad, but most is true, and i think that some of this friends from school, although i know them from "short" time than others, ithay are real friends, and we will keep in touch and all that. But still, i'm feeling, i'm needing fresh air in my life, new people to know, maybe no friends, maybe no love, just to know new realities.

I don't want to be a monothematic person, a person with a colsed mind, becomin' withdrawn...

Hey, do you want to be my friend??

Forgiveness - What it is???
2003-09-13

Forgiveness....

What it means???

Means...sorry...pardon, a simple manner??

Forgive is not to forget.

Forget is not to accept.

Tolerance doesn't mean agree with the other part.

Forgive is to love even if they hurt you deeply.

Because love is kind, is pure, it has no rencor, it's strength.

Forgiveness is only for brave people.

Hope all of you remember this lines when you hurt somebody, when you're broken, when you're in your knees.

"Everybody hurts sometimes.....Everybody cries"

R.E.M.

Remembering this strange date couple days after.....just a thought from "the bottom of a broken heart"

Born to be Happy
2003-09-14

Oh....i feel a little melancholic. If you read my diary, my entries are really depresive. But that's not the entire me, i'm happy and fun too. I like to go to parties....watch tv.....anyway all the normal lifestyle.

Just thinkin' i'm a little, no , i'm completely nerd. But, my mind doesn't say so....i just don't have"the opportunities". I'm like the third world in terms of "being cool", i know i'm not stupid, i'm not horrible (i don't know if i'm ugly....it's the point of view)but i'm look like an idiot. It's what i think.

IAnyway....i don't know why i'm writing this, but recently chatting with a friend, she asked to me: what is your reason for life???.

And i didn't answer. I have a reason i know, that's not the problem, but i just didn't know how to say it. A good answer, i want to say it a non-lame answer, an answer that doesn't sound stupid. Beacuse i know i have one, and that involves love, God, future, dreams....but i dont know how to say and it doesnt sound like an airhead.

A couple weeks ago i did an essay about future. About humanity an myself future...i see the human people with a horrible future, but the mine was good, was bright, b'cause " (...)i have a reason to live(...)". And i can't say it.

I know God is in my heart and my life is happy but i can say it. And that's a problem. I can't say my deepest thoughts!!!

Where's my future????? Where is my reason to live???? Why God have me here on earth????? It is to find you????

Viva Chile
2003-09-18

This is a day to remember, to be patriotic. But i don't.

The only thing that i did was to clean my bedroom, and eat some "empanadas". It supposed this entry was about my country and all that stuff, because today it's a very important day here. But instead i will write about memories and a box that i "found" in the middle of my room.

I never been a well-organized person. In any aspect of my life, i always have a mess in my room and everywhere i go. I'm a bad manager of my time. I have virtues, yeah, but that ar some ofg my worst defects. i'm not proud of them, but i don't feel awful neither.

Today, while i was tidy up my room, i realise why i'm such a mess; i like to remember, and to collerct thing to remember. I have tons of useless things just because when i saw them something in my heart moves. In that moment i saw a box in the middle of my room; Only knows why was there (because i can't figure why the box was there), i opened that box and i saw stickers, illustrations and papers that until a couple years ago, full my desk -and my life- I was remember beautiful moments,, and some bads. I thought i was crying, but no, it's only emotion. I checked the box for almost 30 minutes; then ny mom ask me for help. My room's still a mess.

Today i didnt do anything, although, i feel that i have a very productive day

Monothematic
2003-09-21

I think i'm becoming a monothematic person. And that's my biggest fear. I don't want to be someone who talks only about how it looks, or about parties, or about school or about the stupid stupid PSU...and my future. Everyone talks about that.

I want to be someone interesting, who people note that i have more than 2 braincells...or at least one. I want to talk with every kind of person, since a nerd to a i don't know a band singer??...anyway i think i'm becoming monothematic. And i'm very worried about that.

I'm worry for the person i'm becoming. I'm becoming an stupid person. I'm reading less, i'm listening less music, i'm thinking less. And i feel bad really bad about it.

You know i want to have more friends sometimes, or at least know more people (they don't have to be friends necessarily), to know more, because i think all person can teach me something, has something to give. I think i'm becoming a person with "almost nothing" to give. So...how can people consider me someone interesting?? I don't know.

But that's just i feeling, i hope that my feeling it's be a mistake, a bad impression about myself. B'cause sometimes -Only devil knows why- we have this lows and we say to ourselves horrible things. Although, tomorrow i have to baqck to school ~crying~ after this -boring, but good- holiday week. I don't want to!!! because i know that will be the only theme in my life. There's where are my friends.....there my life's going most of the week...so... u_u.

Silly Idealistic Girl
2003-09-26

Oh this week was a little tiring, but i think that it's because of last week holidays. I was on the church tonight in an EJE meeting .... it was good but i felt all alone...it's the typical sansation when you're in a crowd and you think nobody notes you. I'm a little pissed off for that, i mean i can feel lonelyness sometimes, but it usually happen when i'm on church. I mean, i would like to have friends, many friends there because they -supposed to- share the same values as me, or at least, when we fall or fail...have this "celestial knowledge" to comfort you. But not. I usually have more superflual talking with them, i can't create strong relationships there. I'm asking why they pretend (in the meaning of being someone else, or just look the surface of people) more that persons who don't have the gift of knowing Jesus, to realize that appareances doesn't matter. Even in other places i think that certain kind of christian girls/boys don't have this "companionship" with me, only becuse i'm not the kind of person who carry a bible all the day under her/his arm...i'm far to be perfect i know....but i would like to have someone who respect and share my values but i can't find him/her there. Don't get me wrong, because i have good friends, very good friends, but sometimes they don't get me in my thoughts or values. But i go to church to know more about God right?? so i don't have to be so concerned for people and social matters.

OHGGGH....anyway that was the bad part of the day. I'm feeling good....i have this special feeling that everything is gonna be all right (it sounds like a song eh?) and smething good or unexpected will happen...but i don't know...just a silly but delicious feeling.

I want to be an optimistic persaon, i like that and sometimes it's hard for me being like that, because my nature allways makes me go in the opposite way. Sometimes i try to force my optimism...i dislike to think in the bad side much time, because that freeze me. Guess i'm just a silly idealistic person....

I could verify that this week. We have a problem in our classroom...and intanstaneously girls startin' to think in the dark side of the situyation...that we wont be a unite group, that life sucks. I didn't hear them: I like to think i can do something even if it's imposible. But that's who i am....and the world is very different...

This entry it's a little long...but nobody reads it anyway!!! I like to write here...And if you're reading Thanks!! What do you think about this??

Friendship Day
2003-10-03

Happy Friendship day!!!!!

Today was friendship day on my country. I'm in my senior year (that's the last one right?) in highschool and we usually become very dramatic for this purposes. But the exception makes the rule says people here, and this friendship day it wasn't so dramatic. Why?? b'cause we didnt went to school today, because we have better thingd to do. That doesn't meand that we forgot that date, just delay it.

Anyway i would like to say happy friendship day!! and hug someone today but it couldn't be. I'll see my friends tomorrow.

That makes me think in friends....in how lonely i was before, how God put very good people around me. How fast we forget some people, how hard it's to forget others....

Makes me think if i will be able sometime to get a best friend, or is this is the time when i grow up....or if i will geta boyfriend someday or....

I don't know somethings don't have any answer...

Go for It
2003-10-09

Oh....i wantede write since few days ago....anyway

This week i'm feeling so strange....like waiting the line...i dont know for what i even forgot what i wanted to write also i'm a little dislexic today.....

I'm thinking in all the things i have to do. In all the things that i'm feeling worry for ....

Things that don't worth my worry,...i know i hve to give this problem you know, to God but it is so hard to me. I just cant let it go, it's like i enjoy with this suffering...and it's so superficial, i'm thinking that something it's going to happen.Something great, even special. But i feel that i have to do something, i have to "go for it". I want to know what it is because that makes me carry this problem at my own.

I want to gofor it...but i dont know what, where and how it is.

I'm Hoping something good.Will you help me to find it???????

Time is Running
2003-10-14

Oh....time is fading...its running...really really fast. I wanted to write since some time ago but i couldn't do earlier. Right now i have "the flu" and i feel like....well, you know. I feel bad.

But my heart feels good....i know i'm trying to change my life my point of view....i have to be a different person a new person but still being me...it's hard to understand and explain ti it's even harder.....

I just want to run. I thing my life is so dual, because in one hand everything's fine i mean normal...but in the other hand i think that everything's there is wrong and it's gonna be worse. Did you see "Run,lola, run" movie?? She ran all that movie, she had this reason (well...it wasn't a very important reason anyway)but i dont want a reason i just want to run away and forget all....Forget time....because time run faster than me.

Fear
2003-10-24

So long time i haven't written here...i've been a little -well a lot- busy, and my entries are becoming shorter... Maybe it's because nothing happened to me, i'm feeling just like yesterday.....

We are so close to the end of 2003 and that's terrifies me...not because of PSU,it's because i know next year will be the first day of the rest of my life...i mean, i think i will take control of my life, what i gonna do, decisions i have to make...it's like one of the steps of growing up, but i don't think that next year i will be a grown up or something....it's just the first step, a new stage of my life.

Guess we always have fear to unknown....well, next year it's unknown....tomorrow it's unknown... i would like to share my feelings with someone....a special "someone"...but i guess God don't have this someone for me yet... Sometimes i wonder what things God have prepared for me??? I never have that answer.

Returning
2003-10-26

Thinking on us,

i decided back to the start.

Thinking in us,

i'm returning to my mother's arms.

Painful stars are dying here, next to me

Your eyes, always has been like stars

You don't ask me why i'm leaving you here.

Run, cry do everything you want

Because i'm in home right now

Next to my father

Waiting for you, in our dreamland

Please remember that i'm in home

And i will wait for you beyond moonlight

Where our love is free and freedom
doesn't matter

And where we are like two childs...

My sweet child.

*Dying* & Love Reflections
2003-10-26

*Dying* always attract me as a writing subject. I will write about it now because today a very good mom's friend died. She died of cancer...she had a good life, she was a good person, maybe it was time to go with God. I was thinking in her husbund, he loves her so much, and now he's alone in the world. I think in all her family i ask God for peace for them...but i don't know if they will be able to find it yet.

I was thinking in wedding votes. When thay say until separate us...(or something like that) i really don't think so. I really don't believe that can separate a love who lasts forever. I don't believe in either, i mean, i believe wthat we will live for eternity -for better or worse- and we are in earth for a very short time that we have to use in a good way. Well, most of christian people thinks that or something very similar. So, don't separate people,. or maybe it does, but it isn't forever....

Anyway....thinking of love makes me feel a little lonely in a "couple" aspect (i dont know if you understand this)....i havce to go now.

Look into the Mirror (some vanity thoughts)
2003-10-29

My week (even though today it's wednesday) has been awful, awful in all the superficial meaning of the word. Last monday we took our yearbook photos. I think my pic is so awful...and it really is!. Nobody -well, there are some exceptions- in my class look nice in their photo. I just don't like that photo, in the moment when the photographer took it i was looking everywhere but the place i had to look. I don't know...I believe that the in that photo it isn't me., it just don't have my escence...(I know, that sounds a little esoteric :P) . I've analized the situation and i realized that i don't accept myself. That's the main problem. That's not any mistery. But, when i look myself in the mirror, i think i look good, that i'm a pretty (maybe not the prettiest one, but pretty) then i look my photos and everything's wrong again: my face it's not my face, it's not my expresion, it's not me.....i can't explain it.

I'm trying to solve that. And having a fotolog is a way to trying to accept myself. Pretty or not, that's me, and i can't do anything about it. God make me like this and i have to see the good things that He put in me.

Yesterday i started go to the gym.- Not to be somebody else or to have an spectacular body, it just for my integrity, for my health, to be in line....and it was so good! so relaxing....stress is gone!. I've never been an sport fan, but i highly recommend go to gym.

I will enjoy every minute of this month, although this month is the most stressfull, plenty of tests and exams. Is also the last month of my school period...ever. The last one before *hoping* go to university.

=)

Being Best
2003-11-04

Today wasn't a good day for me. I don't know why i was so histeric. Everything was like an ordinary day. Well, almost.

Since march a thought was in my head: "I want speak in my graduation ceremony". I don't care about receive any award (i'm sure i won't), because i'm so ordinary, so tipical; i'm not a with good grades, or involve in sports or any kind of school activities. An ordinary high school , just an extra in life's story.

But i really want to speak these. I'm starting to write again, and i think that probbly will be a good speech. You know i want to talk about school, about people, about growing up...maybe it's tipical but i want a good speech, with emotion (yeah, i'm kinda emotional) with voice inflections and all that weirdo stuff....

The horrible notice is, of course, i'm not the only one. I supossed that, but i wasn't worry thinking that the (my "rival")probably would be from another classroom. In that case, i have on my side the fact of my mom is in the parnt center, and i know very well all inspectors..maybe that would be a chance.

But now i know that this is one of my very very good friend and classmate! Today sghe said that she want to do the speech...(i felt so down in that moment!). It was so bad to hear that...b'cause she's an exceptional ! she have the best grades, and everything se do is perdect. It's not intentional, she's like that and end of the story. Alsop, she's a wonderful pretty person and everybody loves her. I can't compete with her! I just can't! It's inpossible! She's a really cool and she writes too, very well, think it's over average.

I'm feel bad because i really want the speech. But i will be happy if my friends say it. No one else.

=|

This is the time when i say: "Gimme a break"
2003-11-23

This is the time....you know a lot of things has happen to me, important process are finishing...i wanted to write about it...but i guess that's life....when i want to write more.. to seal my feelings and thoughts with words...something happen and i can't.

I'm feeling too busy though i don't have so much things to do...a little strssed, off and tired. And i can't help it. I can't help myself.

I'm floating in a darksea....i don't know, i can't think clearly.....wednesday will be the last day of school (big deal)....It suppose it matters....it suppose i care...i want that....but i can't....why???

Breaking news: I still don't have male friends or prom partner, and i'm some kind of desperate, i know i have to be patient, i know that prom party don't care so much but please for once in my life this is important to me and i dont want to be alone now!! I would like someone that understands me in that way....

Anyway ..... this is the time when i say:

"Gimme a break"

Changes
2003-11-28

OOhhhh life....i have to be use to this....but always surprises me...

Life's never like we want. Things happen in whole different ways as we think. Why? Ask God, not me.

I don't know....ahhgggggghhhh about the speech, that was a whole crap....somebody did it, and i just don't know why anyway....it's as good as mine...hhahaha

Wednesday started nice and ended all wrong and horrible...

You know? i don't feelvery well right now. I think i will continue later, i will edit this entry and go with my story another day....

Gosh i'm sleepy...=P

PSU
2003-12-15

ok....i know...i haven't written in a very very LONG time. and i wrote that i wilkl update the past entry. Not this time. I have no timefor updating my life, not today.

Today (and tomorrow) is the famous PSU and i did the language test, in a couple of hours i have to do history and tomorrow math.

I'm not sure of my knowledge, i haven't prepared well these exams. I was totally histeric until this morning.

I finally realize......i been praying past week specially yesterday, for calm and for direction, and i finally realize by myself, the meaning of the words that everyone has saying to me.

This is not my fight anymore....i give this test to God's hands. If He wants i will go to college next year in the university that he wants...if it's not my destiny yet i will wait. I don't have to worry anymore.

PLease if you're reading this today or tomorrow (dec 16th) pray for me , for the test, and all....if you're reading this later pray for me too for what's going to happen next......Thanks a lot!

reaked
2003-12-19

Believe me...this guy knows how stress a person. You know, the most of my entries i talked about find someone to my prom party, and well....finally i didnt meet someone, the line was there and i ask to some guy whio i saw in some parties before. It's a nice person, i cant call him a friend, but he's on a party mood. What can i say, "es lo que hay" so common phrase here and verey popular, means " it's the only thing that we have" or something alike.

Well, the thing is, that today he says that he maybe can't go......oh i almost die! then he call again and he say he goes but anyway.....such a stress....

I'm not very comfortable rightnow...i don't know with what or why....i just can't feel totally right......

And yeah i did the psu testt. It wasnt hard, but everyone thinks the same. I just have to wait. nothing more.

New year's resolutions? post-prom party reflections
2003-12-22

Yesterday was my prom party. It was great, i have a very good time, good people, everyone was happy......

Ehhh....what i can say? i talked a lot about prom party and about PSU...and about my future, and it seems like all that themes are over ......am i started a new stage in my life? not yet. But now goodbye feels stronger, and i'm preppared for new things. In fact i want to forget everything old and move on....i don't want to deny my past, it's part of me but i want all brand-new.....i want my brand new life and my brand new love....find someone who likes me for real.......and all that stuff.....

I would like to dissapear to certain people...it's not because i have problems with that people but i dont want to see them again....ohh i'm a bad ....am i?

I want a new haircut, i want new clothes, i want new friends...but i want some old things too....and i want a new love.....

Hope find you next year

New Person
2003-12-31

mmmmm.......sometimes..you just want to be in another situation....that's happening to me right now....not because my life it's bad, actually i think i don't have problems or anything...i'm just feeling a little bored with myself...i need this motivation, or just find someone who give me inspiration.

But i guess i do well by myself. i'm such a lonely person who doesn'0t love with others. Maybe it's because i don't like to pretend. or make feel good to another, i'm too selfish for that.

Apparently i'm a really bad person but i'm not, at least at the outside...i seem too good too loser and too standard. That's my problem i don't feel me speacial at all. And it's a contradiction, b'cause wy worst teenager defect it's to believe that i'm the only one in the world and things happens only to myself.

I know that this things aren't true...but i can't believe it....

2004: new year. new life. new person.